( And here I was, trying to be a good boy for you, dude. )

Contact Info:

Player Name: BF
Email: ryn_mca@yahoo.com
AIM: Blazing Folly

HMD: Right here!

stupid fucking- he had no right to complain about that haircut, no right, it was fine, who cares if I cut him a little? It's his own fault for wanting his hair cut like that assclown Corrida, I should've taken his whole scalp off while I was at it. Bastard.

Whatever. Not like it matters, right? Only one thing that matters here anymore- well, two things counting you, ehehehehe-

[There is a gulping sound as Matt guzzles cognac straight from the bottle.]

[gasp] Ahhhh, damn, that goes down smooth. A little early Christmas gift from me to me. Nobody else bother getting anything for me, because I'm damn sure not getting anything for you assholes.

Except you, Four-Eyes. Better check those presents closely, dude. She didn't see me creep, down the stairs to take a peek~

[Click.]

[filtered to Russia]

Hey. You. You're the guy fighting the guy who says he's America, right? You want us all to "become one" with you or whatever?

Fine. Sign me up. Praise to the motherland, whatever you want. There's some people here I want to see pay. America's one of 'em. You help me get even with them, you've got my support with... whatever it is you're doing. I guess this is treason or something, but I could seriously not give less of a damn.

Man, is it a great day, or what? Y'know, it's weird, but I think I, like, might actually be starting to get used to this place. I've got my cat, I've got my bike, I've got a job, and the drinks here are practically vintage. What more could a dude want, really?

Well, aside from the legion of adoring fans and all. But hey, I think this whole stint here has been good for me. It's good to get out of the spotlight once in a while, you know? Aside from the weird stuff every month or so, duh, it's kinda like taking a vacation. That you can't leave from. Aside from that, pretty cool!

All in all, things are shaping up to be pretty great for Matt Engarde. Hope you dudes are having a good time too!

[filtered to Mimi; unhackable]

Hey, listen, babe, the other night was pretty great. But, well, I've been thinking about it, and...

I just don't think it's gonna work out.

[private; unhackable]

Ha. Hahaha. See?

I'm doing fine. Without you. You're gone, and I'm doing just fine on my own.

I never needed you anyway.

[The phone is knocked off the hook as Matt stumbles back, the opened package laying in front of him. The phone catches him midway through a scream of pain, clutching his bleeding face.]

SON OF A- God- dammit!- my- my fa-

...

[The sound of heavy breathing.]

...

...hhhaaahahahahahaha.

Guess I should have... seen this coming, huh. Heheheheheh...

Whatever. Doesn't matter. Doesn't change a thing.

[Matt notices the phone, staring at it for a brief moment.]

[Click.]

That smell...

Hmm.

Dahlia! Chrona! Ryoko! Pack your things and meet me in the living room in five minutes. Take a weapon with you.

This house is a death trap waiting to happen. Let's get out of here while we can.

DUDES. Dudes. I just had.

The most incredible insight.

The most incredible insight I have ever... sighted.

Okay, so everyone is like, dying. And that's bad. Except it isn't bad. Because, if you think about it, all of us, you and me, are like dying a little every second of every day. There's like a little timer put in us the day we're born. In our heads. And it's like. Counting down. All the time!

I know, right? It's freaking me out, is it freaking you guys out? I'm FREAKING OUT! Who is that giraffe? Why is she in here? Dollie, did you invite her in? You fool! They can't come in unless you invite them! YOU'VE DAMNED US ALL.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

...

We didn't order any anchovies on this.

[The rest of the transmission consists of bizarre, muffled slurping noises, as Matt vigorously attempts to eat the phone.]

Dude, I'm on TV!

Whoa, dude! This is, like, pretty trippin'. Where am I now? Oh, hey, lady-dude! What's goin'...

[Matt catches sight of the slumbering Dahlia]

Oh, it's just you. Hey, Hawthorne, wake up. Something weird's happening.

[Matt, ever gallant, wakes Dahlia up as gently as possible.

By which I mean he pinches her nostrils shut.]

Dude! Nice!

[private; difficult to hack, but not impossible]

Okay. I don't know if this is a reward for... the other week or what, but I'll take it anyway. Finally, this godforsaken town actually did something right.

Come on, let's get you some food. Better enjoy it while it lasts, right? Heh...

[[Matt will be locked up in his room for the rest of the day, because after a week like that even a sociopathic mastermind needs some time to play with his cat.]]

[Silence for about a minute or so before Matt speaks.]

Hey, Sakuya?

You're fired.

[[A message plays from the Engarde household over the network. There is dead silence for several seconds before a man's humming becomes audible. The beat is inconsistent, as the hummer speeds up and slows down with no regard for tempo.

Very few in Mayfield might recognize it as the Nickel Samurai's theme song.]]

Hmhmhm...

nickel samurai... hmhmhm... neo tokyo, heh. Heh heh. AHahahhahaha. here he comes~

to save the day! daddadada~ dun dun dun~ hmhmhm~

[[If one listens carefully, one can hear the sound of sawing begin. The humming continues, though it is noticeably interspersed with restrained grunts of agony and hisses of exertion.]]

don't know what you're talking about lawyer dude. i didn't kill anybody. my hands are clean no blood on them well other than mine of course, how do you think i got these scars? hhhhhahahahahahaha.

i didn't kill juan. hope he's rotting in hell but it wasn't me. piece of shit hack wasn't worth dirtying hands over. see? clean hands. didn't kill anyone. clean hand. so clean you could eat it.

Don't believe me? I'll prove it.

[[Audible sounds of a grown man gnawing and chewing, as if eating something similar to but not exactly like buffalo wings.]]

Dude, Fathers' Day. Totes awesome. Kinda makes me wish I ever, like, talked to my own old man, but I guess it's not like I could get in touch with him anyway. Anyway, dude dudes, looks like it's our day to chill, so have a good one and all that.

Oh, and it looks like the chick dudes gotta do what we say, huh? Seems like the kind of thing a dude could, like, really take advantage of. Just remember, dudes, no means no, you know? Not that they can say no, but you know.

Anyway, I'm totes gentlemanly, and I got no plans for any of you. Just be safe and happy and try to have a nice day, dudes.

[filtered to Mia and Maya Fey, unhackable]

Except for the Fey sisters, who are gonna come to 504 Ricardo Street immediately, without telling anyone. You two go ahead and be scared and miserable. You've got every reason to be.

[filtered to Dahlia, unhackable]

Let's have a chat.

[[private, unhackable]]

You've got to be kidding me. Fey? Here? They might as well have strapped a neon sign to my back that says "HIRES ASSASSINS".

Can't just get rid of her, either, the town'll drag her back and I'll just look even more suspicious. Oh, but I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. She's a nice girl, I'm just sure she'll hold up her end of the deal and keep quiet.

Riiiiight.

Time to go to work.

[[filtered to Dahlia]]

Looks like our mutual friend is here, dear. I was thinking we could have her over for dinner. What do you think?

[[public]]

Whoa! Lotta new dudes, dude. Trippin'. Bro gotta get some space, you know? Can't walk three steps without bumpin' into dudes. Or lady-dudes. Or country-dudes.

So, I guess you've all probably heard of me, but I'd better, like, make intros anyway. I'm Matt Engarde, also known as the Nickel Samurai. Totes famous. I've got autographs pre-written if anyone wants them. Took me, like, forever, dude. This writing stuff is hard.

I miss my manager.

Yikes. This is pretty scary, huh dude? One thing's for sure, I'm not gonna be working in this town again any time soon.

Hey, there are, like, kids here, so maybe us adults should get together and try to figure something out. We can't tell who can be trusted and everything, so we have to be totes careful about taking care of them. I'm thinking we should, like, meet up at my house and try to plan something, you know?

Oh, and uh, just in case you guys were worried, I'm not planning on going through with it, dude. Pinky swear, it's totes safe here.

[private, hackable to Dahlia]

I. Can't. Believe this. It's been two and a half months since I landed in this hellhole, and I'm not a step closer to finding a way out. The last thing I want is to head back to prison or... De Killer... but I'd prefer not to live here for the rest of my life, either. At least I'm finally out of those ridiculous clothes.

I'm losing my mind in this place. Never thought I'd meet anyone as stupid as my own little charade, but these drones take the cake. And now I even have to keep up the act in my own house. "I-I-I don't know how to deal with this...", "Oh, Mr. Engarde, can I help you with anything?" It's driving me insane. Pretty tempting to just silence them permanently, but what's the point? The town would just raise them again, and I'd have Grady on my case. Not worth it.

[unhackable]

I swear, my little tête à têtes with Hawthorne are the only part of this miserable experience I'm actually enjoying. Finally, a woman worth paying attention to. I should get around to applying the Engarde charm sometime.

And if that fails, I'll bet the drug store carries some sedatives.

Now then, more importantly... I think the British guy mentioned something about a meeting today. Guess we're playing La Resistance now; very cute. Time to get into character, dude. Dude? Duuuuuuude.

Heh.

This is definitely not cool, dude! I-I'm an actor, not a fighter! 

Like, dude, somebody hurry up and freaking help me! Th-This door's not gonna last forever! I'm, like, too famous to die!

Dude.

Like.

My head is killing me.

Man.

Etc.

I need to lay down. Hold my calls, dude.

[filtered to Dahlia]

Hey, Dolliepants, if we got freaky or anything, you'd tell me, right?

Dude, so totally uncool.

So do you guys know, like, what's going on here? I'm, like, super bored, and I kind of get into trouble when I get too bored. But I already tried to skip town, and it... didn't work, man. I think someone, like, broke the world. So not my fault this time, for serious.

Hey, so, "Mrs. Engarde"? You're, like, my wife, or whatever? Does that mean you cook for me and stuff? Because I could totally get my brunch on right now, dude.

And after that I guess we should have a talk.

Dude. This... isn't my pad, dude.

Hey, so, I'm totally drug-free, so I really shouldn't be tripping or anything. And I think there's been some kind of mixup? I, like, play the Nickel Samurai, not some weird 1950's dude. This is soooo not my digs, and I don't see my butler anywhere...?

Anyone know where I can find a phone, dude?